When I was a creative writing major in college, I got my first taste of the bafflingly obnoxious way that some people respond to a pronouncement of writerly ambitions:
“Don’t worry,” one bro a friend and I met an L.A. bar told me, “I had a bullshit major in college too. I turned out fine.”
Reader, I assure you, he did not turn out fine.
This was an egregious example but many well-meaning (ish) people seemed to fret about what I would do with such a fanciful degree. Did I want to teach? No…I wanted to write. And hey! What do you know, a decade after graduation, I use my degree every day of my life. So there.
One fantasizes that getting a book deal will stem the tide of this mystifying awkwardness. At very least, if one becomes famous for it, people will be respectful of the profession, right? Oh, sadly not, as last week’s hilarious and cringe-inducing hashtag #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter on Twitter proved.
As a public service message to all, here are ten things you should keep in mind when talking to writers:
1. We don’t like to work for free any more than you do:
#tenthingsnottosaytoawriter "The exposure is worth more than a paycheck, I promise!"
— Ally Fernandez (@allykat2297) July 30, 2015"We pay on publication." — editor of *annual* publication #tenthingsnottosaytoawriter
— Amanda Mims (@amandamims) July 30, 2015"I can only pay you in platform. But it's cool because do you know how many people read our publication?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Brandon Ambrosino (@BrandonAmbro) July 30, 20152. We don’t need to hear your book idea…
"If I give you an idea, can you write it and we can split the royalties?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Jennifer Iacopelli (@jennifercarolyn) July 30, 2015#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter I have a totally awesome idea for your next book.
— Natalia Sylvester (@NataliaSylv) July 28, 2015"You should write about that." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Tara Skurtu (@TaraSkurtu) July 29, 20153. And we definitely don’t want to write it for you:
"I have lots of great ideas for books. We should team up!" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Mary C. Moore (@Mary_C_Moore) July 28, 2015"You still haven't written that novel about the mating habits of orangutans I told you to write?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Kathy Mirkin (@KathyMirkin) July 30, 2015"You're a writer? Oh, I have a GREAT book idea!" (And then proceed to tell us your entire life story.) #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Colleen Hoover (@colleenhoover) July 29, 20154. This IS our job. We get paid for it (see above):
"Is there a career path with that?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Allison Ellis (@AllisonEEllis) July 28, 2015When are you going to get a real job? #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Lisa Liscoumb (@TechnoMistress) July 30, 2015"Do they pay you to do that?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) July 28, 20155. Buy the book cheapskate. This is how we make a living (see above):
"Can I get a free advance copy of your book (that came out last year)?" #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter #AmIDoingItRight
— Michelle Krys (@MichelleKrys) July 28, 2015"Pirating books is okay. It means people like your stuff enough to really want to read it." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Luke Walker (@lukewalkerbooks) July 28, 2015#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter will I get a free copy?
— Seun Fabunmi (@superb_writer) July 30, 20156. Wait, you do know how to read right?
"I don't really care much for reading." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Paul Hughes (@PoetAndPriest) July 30, 2015"You wrote a book? Will it be a movie someday? Ah. Well. I'll wait until the movie comes out, son." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter #WhyDad
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) July 28, 2015I think I'll wait for the movie. #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter pic.twitter.com/hx9ULluWin
— Writer's Relief (@WritersRelief) July 28, 20157. That’s so funny, because we have totally dabbled in brain surgery!
#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter I've thought about dabbling in writing, too!
— Natalia Sylvester (@NataliaSylv) July 28, 2015"It's so nice that you have time to write. I wish I had time to write a book."
#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Shay Ray Stevens (@shayraystevens) July 28, 2015Oh you wrote a book? I bet I could do that. I read a lot! #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Baratunde (@baratunde) July 28, 20158. Why didn’t WE think of that?
"Why don't you send your book to Oprah?"
#tenthingsnottosaytoawriter
— Derrick Ferguson (@DLFerguson1) July 30, 2015Maybe you should write a bestseller? #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Dinty W. Moore (@brevitymag) July 28, 2015You should get [inaccessible super famous person] to blurb your book! #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Baratunde (@baratunde) July 28, 20159. If you can’t say something nice…
What, like it's hard? #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter pic.twitter.com/stS4VRFttu
— Writer's Relief (@WritersRelief) July 28, 2015"Normally I hate all your work, everything you stand for and wish you would just die, but this was pretty okay." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Mandy Stadtmiller (@mandystadt) July 28, 2015I read your book. (AND THEN THEY SAY NOTHING ELSE) #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Gwenda Bond (@Gwenda) July 28, 201510. Let us go fetch you a gold star, BRB:
I noticed a typo in your already-published book. #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter #WeKnow
— Summer Brennan (@summerbrennan) July 28, 2015"That book you just published? There's a typo on page 45." #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Alisa Bowman (@AlisaBowman) July 28, 2015"I found a typo."
#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter
— Hanna Brooks Olsen (@mshannabrooks) July 28, 2015